How to pursue a professor
I have had my eye on a particular professor for the past three semesters. Now that I’m a graduating senior, I’m afraid I will lose my chance at love if I do not act now. How do you suggest I express my feelings?
Dear PhD Chaser,
Fear not, you have raised a question that weighs heavily on the minds of many graduating seniors. With the real world looming ominously on the horizon, it is not only exciting but also monetarily practical to consider a romantic relationship with a professor as it promises a future of financial stability, stimulating discourse and the perpetual presence of a Church of Christ community. If you’ve selected a particular faculty member you wish to woo, check his or her marital status and tenure standing before adhering to a few simple guidelines that guarantee not only a ring, but also a faculty condo on campus by spring.
1. Tweak Your Degree
So, the object of your affection taught a GE math class and you are a theatre major? Go ahead and email OneStop. A math minor will prove invaluable as you calculate the tip when out to lunch or attempt to figure out your gas mileage. Additionally, enrolling in two sections of calculus will be a welcome distraction from your play production and theatre dance courses.
2. Become an Office
A surefire way to bump into division faculty is to plant yourself directly in the path of their mailboxes. Step above and beyond your duties by offering to deliver mail personally to his or her office, occasionally slipping a personal note, haiku or love poem between the regular stack of envelopes and revealing your authorship of said documents on April 26th.
3. Invent an Excuse to Monopolize Office Hours
Something I’ve tried that has worked exceptionally well is inventing an excuse to interact more heavily with said professor. Conjure up a video project, interview paper or job shadow assignment for a mythical class and watch in awe as extensive, personal and professionally inappropriate conversations unfold.
Lonely hearts, it’s not easy looking for love out there on Pepperdine’s campus. The time has come to take advantage of the most underrated babe pool in Malibu: Pepperdine faculty and staff. Take a risk, make the plunge and consider the innumerable benefits of pursuing an older, more stable human entity not daunted by the insipid mental burdens of people your own age.