Scorpio: Try admitting everything you’ve ever done wrong via Twitter.
Sagittarius: Drink lots of orange juice this week because there is a terrible strain of the flu going around.
Capricorn: You are headstrong, determined and deliberate with your actions. So tone it down and stop being so annoying.
Aquarius: Attempt to emanate “Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century” with your wardrobe choices this week. You will not be ruthlessly mocked.
Pisces: Avoid flimsy dresses this week as winds will be high. You’re welcome.
Aries: Ask yourself what the E in Chuck E. Cheese stands for.
Taurus: Embrace your earthy side by disregarding the need for both shoes and showers.
Gemini: Spread false rumors about all of your Virgo friends.
Virgo: Don’t read Gemini’s horoscope this week.
Libra: From now on, flip a coin to help you decide life’s hardest decisions.
CANCER: Try doing a rain dance or two this week.