Because the Bible tells me so
A quiet storm has been brewing for some time over this whole LGBT issue on campus here at Pepperdine. Over 4,577 people have signed the petition online, and the temperature around campus is steadily rising. But this whole issue has delineated from nothing more than a distraction from a much larger issue, and that is the fact that Pepperdine somehow allowed “The Accounting Society” to have a club without us noticing.
Well I just noticed it. The clear line of action here is to drop the whole LGBT fight in favor of a swift uprising calling for The Accounting Society’s heads on a silver platter. For those of you staring at your pitchforks unconvinced, I think the reasoning speaks for itself:
The Bible addresses homosexuality less than 10 times, but mentions money more than 250. Half of Jesus’ parables dealt with the issue of money. Clearly, God was not a fan. Thus, as rational beings it makes sense to allocate all of our time to The Accounting Society’s destruction.
If Jesus was the hero of the Bible, the obvious choice for villain (besides the Devil … and Pontius Pilate … and Judas) would then be tax collectors. These people got rich by cheating. They bribed the Romans, prospering at the expense of their own countrymen. And though his song was fun to sing at Sunday school, Zaccheus was a personification of everything that was evil about the ancient world. Fast forward 2,000 years and the closest thing we have to that little tree-climbing booger is the CPA.
As a respected Christian university, we cannot in good faith allow The Accounting Society to exist. It goes against everything we stand for as an institution. From a secular, humanistic perspective, one could argue that someone doing math during their free time for fun is masochism and I wouldn’t disagree. But this institution operates under a much higher moral prism. And this prism, etched from the teachings of the Bible, paints a picture that indefatigably states we cannot support a group that derives pleasure from money.
You’re not born an accountant; that’s a choice you make at some point in life. But it’s not something we have to support. Instead, we should be working to get these people help through support groups and counselors; help that lovingly lays out the kind of soul-crushing boredom that comes with a 9 to 5 accounting career. We can provide them with proper literature such as the novelization of “Office Space” that encapsulates the life of a CPA through the pathetic character Milton Waddams, a man who finds passion in the protection of a stapler. This is what accountants are setting themselves up for; years of paper-flipping, number-crunching and clock-ticking that slowly fries their brains like a Sunday morning Sodexo egg. For a college student hoping to join a club of like-minded money-loving nerds, it doesn’t get better.
If we stop recognizing their existence, it’s safe to assume that they will rectify their money changing ways, becoming productive members of society. Like responsible parents dealing with an annoying child screaming for attention, if we plug our ears and start shouting “la la la la la” (or turn the other cheek – also biblical), this problem will solve itself.
This is the fight of our lives. If Pepperdine wants to remain a respected Christian University, it must cease to recognize The Accounting Society. Jesus told Zaccheus that “the kingdom of God is yours; you are included.” It’s a nice quote to cling to, but thankfully he assumed that burden so we can spend our lives trying to convert them into people with normal, cool professions. I’ve created a petition of my own calling for the university’s action, which can be signed at http://tiny.cc/fjc6o. As Christians, it’s the right thing to do. Don’t stand on the sidelines as the waves of change crash around you; choose your fight, pick up your pitchforks, and let’s make this university a better place.