Because the Bible tells me so
A quiet storm has been brewing for some time over this whole LGBT issue on campus here at Pepperdine. Over 4,577 people have signed the petition online, and the temperature around campus is steadily rising. But this whole issue has delineated from nothing more than a distraction from a much larger issue, and that is the fact that Pepperdine somehow allowed “The Accounting Society” to have a club without us noticing.
Well I just noticed it. The clear line of action here is to drop the whole LGBT fight in favor of a swift uprising calling for The Accounting Society’s heads on a silver platter. For those of you staring at your pitchforks unconvinced, I think the reasoning speaks for itself:
The Bible addresses homosexuality less than 10 times, but mentions money more than 250. Half of Jesus’ parables dealt with the issue of money. Clearly, God was not a fan. Thus, as rational beings it makes sense to allocate all of our time to The Accounting Society’s destruction.
If Jesus was the hero of the Bible, the obvious choice for villain (besides the Devil … and Pontius Pilate … and Judas) would then be tax collectors. These people got rich by cheating. They bribed the Romans, prospering at the expense of their own countrymen. And though his song was fun to sing at Sunday school, Zaccheus was a personification of everything that was evil about the ancient world. Fast forward 2,000 years and the closest thing we have to that little tree-climbing booger is the CPA.
As a respected Christian university, we cannot in good faith allow The Accounting Society to exist. It goes against everything we stand for as an institution. From a secular, humanistic perspective, one could argue that someone doing math during their free time for fun is masochism and I wouldn’t disagree. But this institution operates under a much higher moral prism. And this prism, etched from the teachings of the Bible, paints a picture that indefatigably states we cannot support a group that derives pleasure from money.
You’re not born an accountant; that’s a choice you make at some point in life. But it’s not something we have to support. Instead, we should be working to get these people help through support groups and counselors; help that lovingly lays out the kind of soul-crushing boredom that comes with a 9 to 5 accounting career. We can provide them with proper literature such as the novelization of “Office Space” that encapsulates the life of a CPA through the pathetic character Milton Waddams, a man who finds passion in the protection of a stapler. This is what accountants are setting themselves up for; years of paper-flipping, number-crunching and clock-ticking that slowly fries their brains like a Sunday morning Sodexo egg. For a college student hoping to join a club of like-minded money-loving nerds, it doesn’t get better.
If we stop recognizing their existence, it’s safe to assume that they will rectify their money changing ways, becoming productive members of society. Like responsible parents dealing with an annoying child screaming for attention, if we plug our ears and start shouting “la la la la la” (or turn the other cheek – also biblical), this problem will solve itself.
This is the fight of our lives. If Pepperdine wants to remain a respected Christian University, it must cease to recognize The Accounting Society. Jesus told Zaccheus that “the kingdom of God is yours; you are included.” It’s a nice quote to cling to, but thankfully he assumed that burden so we can spend our lives trying to convert them into people with normal, cool professions. I’ve created a petition of my own calling for the university’s action, which can be signed at http://tiny.cc/fjc6o. As Christians, it’s the right thing to do. Don’t stand on the sidelines as the waves of change crash around you; choose your fight, pick up your pitchforks, and let’s make this university a better place.
Brilliant satire. Well done.
Almost really well written satire; only thing is, it falls flat on its back once you look at it closer. Even from a non-Christian perspective, I can find verses from your Bible that straight up ban homosexuality. But none of your 250 + money verses ban money. They sometimes ban abuse of money, which is a different thing altogether.
Almost clever satire, but once you apply basic logic, it falls apart. You can do better than that, Ben.
Good one!
this is fabulous!!! so clever and so true – I’m really impressed
Obviously you don’t understand anything about the CPA or accounting in general. First of all, CPA’s do not collect taxes. They just help people calculate the right amount of taxes people owe to the government. If you have a problem of paying taxes, take it upto the government, and leave the innocent accountants alone. When did you ever see an accountant take money from people for his/her own benefit other than the small fees for the accounting work he/she has done? Most accountants are simply willing to help people with the tax preparation so that people don’t commit a tax evasion. If you can prepare your own tax returns, more power to you, but obviously many people can’t, so they come to accounts for help.
I also noticed that you have stated in your petition that “The bible says money is the root of all evil. We can’t, in good faith, support people that want to responsibility handle and track finances for a living.” If this is what you truly believe, I hope you keep your “good” faith and never make a penny in your life.
Honestly, this post that you wrote above just makes me think that you must be an upset homoxeual who wants to draw people’s attention from the LGBT issue to something else. I have nothing against LGBT, and I actually have some really good friends who are LGBT, but this is just simply ridiculous. I really hope you are not a business major, because if you are, you will fail in every aspect in business without realizing how important accounting is in business.
Thanks for reading and have a good one!
Charlie- the point he is making is that the Bible is riddled with contradictions but people peddling it to make moral points like our administration pick and choose which parts they want to use. It DOES say “money is the root of all evil”. That seems pretty clear to me. And the quote you’re referencing, apart from being sandwiched with condemnations of bowl haircuts and eating shrimp, states that they “should be put to death”. How come this part is crazy but the beginning is “law”?
Agreed with Charlie. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Money is not inherently sinful. Homosexuality is. There’s a huge difference that you seemed to ignore.
Money is probably the cause of a LOT of sin in life, and it’s a very popular subject all throughout history. Money, money money.. That’s probably why it’s so common in the Bible to be addressed.
Just sayin’
Right on Charlie!! You nailed it!!
Did anyone bother to ask the Accounting Society if they affirm the University’s traditional sexual ethic? I think we need to pose this question to all of the student organizations and keep a blacklist – just like McCarthy did back in the good ole’ days.
Glad I transferred from that school. Totally not worth it.
This IS brilliant, and needs to be heard by all. To the fella who is confused about the message in this, First Timothy 6:10. The author of this is simply saying that a love for money is one of the most talked about subjects in the bible, and in the new testament homosexuality is never directly mentioned by Jesus, only Paul. Christians are, as usual, picking and choosing. And this is what Ben is brilliantly satirizing.
“the kingdom of God is yours; you are included.” I think this is really the only message that needs to be taken from this satire.
And Charlie, all he says “The Bible addresses homosexuality less than 10 times, but mentions money more than 250″ you obviously don’t know how to read a sentence in it gramatical entirety.
To Stanley and Michael,
First, Stanley – the Bible says that the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. The love of money, not money itself, is the problem. Be careful with your contexts. Again, the Bible never condemns money, so the author’s point falls flat.
Michael, you’re right that the words out of Ben’s article say “The Bible addresses homosexuality less than 10 times, but mentions money more than 250.” However, this is satire, and not only does this sentence include grammatical context, but it also includes satirical context. The author wants you to IMPLY from the sentence that the Bible condemns both money and homosexuality, and condemns money roughly 25 times more frequently, but yet Pepperdine allows the accounting (i.e. “money”) society and not homosexual societies.
Speaking of contexts, your “the kingdom of God” quote should also be read in context. I recommend you pick up and look your Bible sometime. I’m surprised by how frequently non-Christians know more about the Bible than some of you alleged “Christians”.
P.S. to Stanley:
Realized I didn’t address the rest of your arguments. Sure the Bible is full of contradictions; I’ll leave most of those to you who claim to follow the Bible to work out. HOWEVER, I can’t find any contradictions about homosexuality – the Old Testament straight up condemns it, as does the New Testament (See Romans 1:18-32 for reference). Never is it condoned. Yeah, Romans was written by Paul; but that’s still part of your Bible.
For those who try to argue that homosexuality is ok because Jesus never mentioned it by name: that’s like arguing that child molestation and genocide are ok because they’re never mentioned by name. Probably not a wise path to start down; logically, it’s full of holes.
Good Satire riles people up and starts discussion. This piece did exactly that. When looked at wholly, the article only references the bible a few times. The main point of the piece seems to be that people are very extreme in their views on this subject, not only on the school’s side but on the LGBT as well. He’s just taking the same arguments and throwing them on the innocent accountants. His love of money idea is expanded upon when he argues Accountants derive pleasure from money. HE KNOWS ITS AN ABSURD argument, that’s his point. It’s a joke- he’s the humor columnist. And as far as homosexuality goes, I agree with Stanley- how come nobody is calling for the deaths of gays, as the bible says. To say that part is absurd but the beginning isn’t is a misguided opinion. Shakespeare said the devil could use the bible to further his own opinions. I think that is the idea, and it’s delivered well. Jesus surrounded himself with the outcasts of society… I wonder how’d he’d act here at Pepperdine now.
Charlie, the writer lives in my suit he’s on my flag football team I think I know what hes trying to say.
Philip understands
“the point he is making is that the Bible is riddled with contradictions”
Those who make the above claim may have read the Bible, but they sure haven’t read the Bible.
The Bible has been used in the past to condemn interracial marriages and women’s rights as well as defend slavery. Now there are verses throughout the Bible that support those claims, though people today would argue it’s “outdated” or meant for “a different time”. These are the contradictions Stanley is talking about. All I think the author meant to do was raise the question about how the Bible is used to defend certain ideologies. Because if you concede that slavery is wrong and women should have equal rights, you’re starting to go down the slippery slope of picking and choosing Bible verses. Again, since no one has answered this- the verse reads:
“If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.”
I ask you, how can the first part be a rule and the second part be “absurd”?
Good article. Funny and enjoyable. And I completely agree with Phillip. I went to Pepperdine and was afraid to open my mouth about my ‘progressive’ views on the Bible because I didn’t take just about everything literally.
The Bible calls for virgins who are raped to marry their rapists. A widow who did not give a son to her dead husband is required to marry her brother-in-law and must submit to him sexually. Most of the prophets in the Old Testament had concubines and I’m not even going to go into the sexual conquest of women taken into slavery as spoils of war or through marriage.
And yet I don’t see any of these things happening today. I also don’t see people staying away from shellfish or men at Pepperdine or in church walking around with full beards. And I see people working on the weekends even though the Bible states that this is wrong.
That’s what people mean by contradiction. There are so many instances where people of today are living in sin, and yet I don’t see Pepperdine trying to change this or take a stand against it.
And we need to remember that the Bible was not sent to us through the clouds Monty Python style already written. A committee of men got together and decided what books were compiled; the Bible is a work of opinion and people should not take it literally or pick and choose what the should believe.